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  • Mum, I want to be a porn star!

    So it was another lazy Saturday morning in bed when John called me up asking if I wanted to go to the comedy store up in London. Despite vowing never to trust John again after he made me walk around central London last time, I agreed and so I went.

    I met with John and a number of others at wimbledon station at approximately 5:30 and trained it up towards central London, Piccadilly to be more precise and to the comedy store. It wasnt long though before my reasons for not trusting John were again realised as of course the comedy store only had 100 non booked tickets to sell and we were about 103 in the queue. But no we did not give up, we carried on as John knew of another comedy place.


    We didnt go straight there though as it didnt start 'till half 8ish and it was only about half 6. So when a nice Eastern European lass tells us that we should go to a bar and get cheap drinks we naturally obliged even if there was slight hesitation from Dave and Tate at first. We got the 'Buzz' Bar and were delighted to find the drinks were indeed very cheap. On the otherside I again trusted John and he bough a round of very horrible drinks which were a mixture of ginger beer and whiskey. Horrible it was. We then played no less than 4 games of table football which the team of me, tate and dave won 3-1, each victory was greeted with the Crouchy Robot as that is the celebration to do at the moment. Despite it being cheap it was quite boring so we soon left the establishment.


    Our next stop was the Queens Head pub which has a comedy club upstairs, we only breefly popped in to get us some tickets and then popped back out again. A few of us were feeling a bit peckish so we went to a posh chip shop which I forget the name of right now. I was disgusted to find that the prices were extortionate and so i just got a few chips which wernt particularly special. I was not impressed by the posh chip shop at all.


    We still had time to kill so where else do you go in picadilly but the trocadero games arcade, of course we were the oldest of the 'children' there with the average age of the clientell being about 10-12 but it didnt matter we still ran straight for the bumper cars and before you knew it we were all driving into each other like nobodys business. Why are bumper cars so much fun? purposely driving around and crashing, often causing slight pain.. doesnt make much sense but it was fun. Tate wanted another go on the bumper cars but we all declined and instead went for the shooting thing which I have never been very good at. Out of 20 shots I managed to hit 2 targets which was poor but I beat Tate who didnt get 1, yes his gun wernt working properly but that is beside the point, I beat him. Dave got about 12, but will seem to get about 18 or so, was quite impressive. In total we won about 60 or so tickets, then big ginger dan won loads from soewhere, then some guy gave us his and before we knew it we had over 300 tickets. Enough to buy a 'blinging' ring which I believe John kept, a slinky which I managed to sneak off with and precisely 42 penny sweets.


    We were already a bit late for the scheduled start of the comedy act so we went back to the Queens Head. Luckily it hadnt started, we got in a couple drinks and then took our seats which unfortunately happened to be right at the front.

    The first guy to come on stage was a man with dreadlocks who was merely introducing acts but was still quite funny, over the course of the night he called me a drunkard and a typical student just because he said who wants his phone and i honestly said yes. There is nothing wrong with wanting free merchandise. He also gave me the job of starting the round of applause before each act for which I was very proud.

    The first act was a middle aged man who was clearly very nervous and unfortunately to my standards not very funny, I think I may have laughed once during his whole ten minute set.

    The Second act is where it got started an Irish guy by the name Rob Broderick. From the minute he got on and spilled water all over the electrical equipment you could tell he was going to be a good laugh. At one stage he compared me to Mikey, the current big brother housemate which I found amusing/flattering i think. But the best part of his act for me was when he 1st asked a woman what she wanted to be when she was little, she said olympic athlete, then she asked Will and he just said to be rich.. really now, so i shouted in porn star, as you do. I was then invited up on to stage where I had to perform a little role play as i taught the woman how to be an athlete and then she threw up (not really) and I thought that would be good in a porn film and then I had to tell my mum I wanted to be a porn star (see title) and then I became a rich porn lord or something. Now im sure peopple reading this will be thinking that is the least funny thing ive ever heard. I guess it is probably one of those you have to be there things.

    the third act was a camp (probably gay) man with an attempted handle bar moustache and little tufty beard. He was reasonably funny in parts but not enough for me to remember any of his act afterwards.

    the fourth act was again reasonably funny, a few good jokes including 'its the best time to go to Israel now because i saw the paper the other day and it said suicide bomber strikes' if you dont get it the first time read it again and think about it.

    the fith was an Australian who was quite good, best joke was about how he goes up to Scotland to do a gig and just says 'so the english.. arent they a bunch of c**ts' which i found quite amusing. He was probably my second favourite after the Irishman.

    During the interval between the 5th and 6th comedians I went down to the toilet and came across Neil Morrisey (not when I was in toilet, at the bar) John asked him why he was there 'cos John does that kind of thing and he explained it was because he was doing a guys and dolls production down the road. Unfortunately no picture, but another name for Anthony's celeb spotting list.

    the sixth act was pretty poor, about having sex with dead grandparents and such which i dont think was really needed.

    and to the last act who was supposed to be the star of the show but I didnt think he was particularly funny, he had his moments but nothing special. The highlight of his set for me was being told that I looked like I should be in the Verve.


    Straight after that finished we went straight back to Wimbledon, had some chips from the local chip shop, then Dave gave me a lift home so that I could give Tate his Little Man Tate T-shirt which Ive had since last weeks gig. And there we have it, my fisrt visit to a comedy gig and overall I would give the night a thumbs up despite it not going as the original plan had been stated.

  • Dylan Moran 'Monster'

    you might recognise dylan moran from such tv shows as black books and um... possibly some others but on friday he did a stand up performance called moster. It was the funniest piece of stand up ive seen for a very long time and so if you didnt watch it shame on you (unless you live in a different country, then you have an excuse)